#96 - Roomba

One of the major problems with modern society is that we have to clean up after ourselves. After all of the technological advances of the twentieth century, we still have the moral (and sanitary) obligation to clean up our own shit. This is rather unfortunate, because with the the time we spend vacuuming and sweeping our houses, we could be outdoors running around, smoking trendy flavored cigarettes, or curing cancer. Thankfully, a few guys with some Doritos stuck in their beards and white lab coats invented the Roomba.

The Roomba is a true testament to the progress of mankind. Twenty years ago we were using our own hands and own muscles to operate our portable mini vacuum cleaners. Now, we can devote more time to raising overweight children and drinking coffee because our portable vacuum cleaner is a robot. Indeed, the future has played out as envisioned in Back to the Future Part II. Before I finish this entry, let me go activate my power laces.

Programed with the brand of AI that causes robots to hate uncleanness (modeled after the golem, a mythical, soulless Jewish beast), the Roomba boasts a perfect design: sleek, small, and most importantly, non anthropomorphic. Although seemingly insignificant, these design features are safety measures against a possible uprising.

If the Roomba were anthropomorphic, it would have a clear advantage over mankind. Not only would the Roomba a hardworking crusader against crumbs, but it would be able to take up arms. Luckily, interested parties had the foresight to limit all household cleaning robots from claiming their second amendment rights. In the meantime, we humans can eat rock candy and Fritos without incident.