#96 - Roomba

One of the major problems with modern society is that we have to clean up after ourselves. After all of the technological advances of the twentieth century, we still have the moral (and sanitary) obligation to clean up our own shit. This is rather unfortunate, because with the the time we spend vacuuming and sweeping our houses, we could be outdoors running around, smoking trendy flavored cigarettes, or curing cancer. Thankfully, a few guys with some Doritos stuck in their beards and white lab coats invented the Roomba.

The Roomba is a true testament to the progress of mankind. Twenty years ago we were using our own hands and own muscles to operate our portable mini vacuum cleaners. Now, we can devote more time to raising overweight children and drinking coffee because our portable vacuum cleaner is a robot. Indeed, the future has played out as envisioned in Back to the Future Part II. Before I finish this entry, let me go activate my power laces.

Programed with the brand of AI that causes robots to hate uncleanness (modeled after the golem, a mythical, soulless Jewish beast), the Roomba boasts a perfect design: sleek, small, and most importantly, non anthropomorphic. Although seemingly insignificant, these design features are safety measures against a possible uprising.

If the Roomba were anthropomorphic, it would have a clear advantage over mankind. Not only would the Roomba a hardworking crusader against crumbs, but it would be able to take up arms. Luckily, interested parties had the foresight to limit all household cleaning robots from claiming their second amendment rights. In the meantime, we humans can eat rock candy and Fritos without incident.

#97 - Thundercleese

Thundercleese, of Adult Swim's The Brak Show, exemplifies what being a military robot is all about: killing, blowing shit up, and enslaving the lower class. His arm-mounted lasers are functionally unblockable and his power supply is seemingly endless. It's actually quite difficult to pinpoint his source of power (it's definitely not magic or destiny), leaving us to assume that Thundercleese is highly advanced. One would think that such a creation would propel this robot to the top of the list. Unfortunately, Thundercleese has some major flaws that we simply cannot ignore.

The main problem lies in the fact that Thundercleese is a bigger sellout than Judas Iscariot and fell off harder than Dennis Rodman and Eddie Murphy combined. Other than the attestation of his supposed creator, Frylock, we don't really have any real source material to pinpoint the pre-Brak Show endeavours of Thundercleese, but it's safe to say he was involved in some sort of machine vs organic oppression. It is totally unexplainable with what happened next.

Skip ahead an undisclosed amount of years into the future and we see Thundercleese trying to settle in to a suburban neighborhood and attempt socialization with the locals (let's not forget that this neighborhood is somehow inhabited by rejected and revoiced Space Ghost villains who's novelty wore off before The Brak Show even debuted). He's seen gardening and tending to his pet goldfish. The attempt to assimilate oneself into organic society is not typical for killer robot, especially when that society is a ghetto for incoherent, brain damaged Hanna-Barbera villians.

Barring the fact that he existed in a low budget, single joke, regurgitation of Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Thundercleese has at least a few strong qualities that earn him a place on this list: badassness and the ability to adapt to any environment, no matter how absurd it may be. His excellent execution of these abilities will always make Thundercleese an unforgettable robot from one of the most forgettable prime time cartoons in history.

#98 - Bubo

The vast majority of robots are created by organic life. Many other robots were created by other robotic life. But there are very few robots could attest that they were gifts from a god. Bubo, of of the 1981 film Clash of the Titans, is one of the few exceptions. This incoherent robotic owl is not a gift from god in the same way golden haired adolescents are gifts from God to the clergy - Bubo is literally a gift from the goddess Hephaestus to Perseus to aid him in his quest for glory. Few robots can say the same.

Some naysayers dispute the fact that Bubo can be legitimately classified as a robot. I would argue that a little divine intervention and magic do not disqualify an individual from being considered a robot. Bubo still has all the basic qualities that many robots share: shininess, a gibberish language of bleeps and blips that only the main protagonist can understand, and of course, heroism.

Speaking of heroism, Bubo has chalked up more heroic accomplishments than most overprivledged white males. So you saved a drowning kitten from a sewer drain last summer, but can you say that you saved Pegasus from certain death and battled with the Kraken? I didn't think so, asshole. Not only does he execute his required tasks flawlessly, but he does it without asking asking any questions.

While we complain about our minor physical deformities and limitations (bad hair, never ending pimp limp, sunburn, inability to dunk, etc), Bubo exists with one of the most disadvantageous handicaps of all time: he is brought to life by stop-motion animation. Please note that it is ridiculously difficult to be brave and fearless when your entire existence is dependant on the severely flawed technique of stop-motion animation. Bubo's courage and deeds far outweigh his stop-motion counterparts who simply could not overcome this unfortunate handicap. (see: Mighty Joe Young, Ymir, and various whateverthefucks that fought Sinbad*)

Courage, bravery, and the ability to overcome one's own shortcomings are qualities we usually attribute to the most honored and respected humans. Bubo, the mechanical owl, would never be tempted by worldly things like cash and handjobs. Bubo is unfaltering in his deeds, and we humans can learn a lot from him.

*Not the comedian

#99 - The RoBear Berbils

The RoBear Berbils have made the list not because of any particular robotic prowess (in fact they are quite peaceful), but because of their sheer level of complexity. While on the surface, the RoBear Berbils of Thundercats fame may seem like a simple race of robotic bears who try their hardest to help out the vastly superior Thundercats. But within this classification of "robotic bear" one can pinpoint the true complexity of the RoBear race. In order to understand these seemingly simple people, one must examine them for exactly what they are: robots and bears.

Not since the neo-hippie movement combined bad smelling hair, political empowering bumper stickers, and stupid fucking t-shirts has a single group of creatures combined such conflicting qualities. There are peaceful bears and there are peaceful robots, but there are no other documented cases of peaceful robot bears. Even on a high level it just doesn't make sense.

In order to examine the complexity of the RoBears, we must examine their unique heritages separately. Citing the conversation between Ron Burgundy's dog and an angry bear at the zoo, we can confidently state that bears are a proud race. ("We bears are a proud race.")

Strangely enough, the combination of the pride of the bear and the enigmatic, unpredictable nature of robotkind yields an even more puzzling anomaly: subsistence farming. The RoBears maintain their vast orchards to sustain their life. But for a bear or a robot, why does life even need to be sustained if not to conquer other life?

This is especially vexing when you note that robots are predisposed to destruction, domination, and mind control. Aside from the fact that they speak like an Allspark infused Casio keyboard, the RoBears do not show any robotic traits. How could such a deadly combination of qualities create a peaceful Smurf-style Marxist commune full of farmers and craftsmen who are sometimes even subject to slavery via trickery?

This is a question that has haunted scholars of bears and robots for an eternity. We may never understand the RoBear Berbils.

#100 - Alpha 5

Alpha 5 of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fame didn't make this list because he is necessarily a great robot with an amazing personality. In fact, he's quite the opposite - absent minded, has a slightly annoying trademark nervous tick (aye yai aye yai yai), and rather susceptible to high pressure situations. He lacks a sleek design and his functionality is marginal at best.

Even when monitored in a controlled environment, it's difficult to determine if Alpha was programed to be an assistant robot to a world defense force, or if he was intended to house the soul of some guy's dead gay little brother. Alpha 5 is not even a viable cultural icon and his list of accomplishments barely even rival that of Tucker Carlson. And much like the aforementioned political pundit, Alpha 5 is pretty much a useless douchebag.


What qualifies Alpha 5 for this distinct honor is the fact that he is quite simply an amazing piece of machinery. Just think about how many German engineers it would take to design and manufacture a sentient robot who consistently walks like he was recently the recipient/victim of bear rape. Anyone, robot or not, can walk like they've got a broomstick up their ass, but no one can do as consistently as Alpha 5. Check out this video to see how flamboyantly this little guy can move.

On top of that, this motherfucker has more points of articulation than Stretch Armstrong. This is quite impressive, considering that Alpha is not composed of any know organic material. No matter how useless and mysterious his purpose he may be, Alpha is a fine piece of engineering. The real shame is, we'll never know who we can credit for the creation of Alpha 5. The safest bet is Zordon, since his omnipotence is second to only the Judeo-Christian God.